Haruhi is Haruhi
by Clement Rage
Summary: Kyon reflects on his options, but time is running out.
1. Chapter 1

"**I was just thinking about how awesome I am for being able to cope with this absurd situation."**

_−Kyon, Season 1, episode 11_

Haruhi Suzumiya. Goddess. Reality warper. Brigade Leader. If you're reading this, you've probably heard of her. It's hard to know which label to apply from time to time. And I have to try my best to keep her under my control most of the time. It's tough. I've almost been killed at least three times. I've saved the world from radical alterations at least twice. And I still always get stuck with the bill for lunch.

Once upon a time, Haruhi tried to rewrite the world. And, for some reason, she brought me with her, into whatever new world she was planning to create. I can't think why I'm so important. She's already got an Interface, and Esper, and a Time Traveller to play with, not that she knows that (I hope. I really hope so. If she's been playing dumb all this time, I swear, someone's going to get hurt. Probably me, but still.).

Don't get me wrong, there's a certain thrill involved in trying to keep a leash on one of the most powerful high schoolers in existence. Haruhi isn't perfect (definitely not!) but one thing she's not is boring. Koizumi tells me she's in love with me. But, this is Koizumi talking. I can keep Haruhi in check most of the time, it'd suit him for me to attach myself to him, to reign in the closed spaces. What happened in Closed Space that time makes what he said at least plausible, but...

Sometimes, it feels like the entire world is conspiring to throw us together. Koizumi pretty clearly wants it to happen, he keeps talking about how much he envies my connection with Suzumiya. Nagato and Ms. Asahina probably wouldn't object. We keep getting thrown into situations from messed up romantic comedies –that cave on the island, Closed Space where I was literally _forced _to kiss her if I wanted the world to keep its rationality− everyone seems to want me to hook up with her. And, knowing Haruhi, that's probably not accidental. Everything is pushing me towards this one, beautiful, fascinating girl who occasionally walks around in a bunny-girl costume for no good reason. There's no reason for me not to go along with it, except for this one voice in the back of my head, that's screaming at me _not_ to go along with the others.

Problem is, this voice...I think it's mine.

It's not as though I hate Haruhi. But, I'll never know if the emotions I have are real or just what she wants to happen. I won't always have Nagato to save me...do I really have to chain myself to Haruhi for the rest of my life, just to keep the world the way it is? And while Haruhi isn't one to force herself on me, if I look at some other girl, things go downhill fast. So, I literally have no other options. And, honestly, that's the one thing that pisses me off most.

Not that I'd take them if I had... Ms. Asahina's off limits in case of paradoxes. After what happened in December, I'd just get Nagato in trouble −and anyway, I'd never know if she really wanted it or just wasn't capable of raising a contrary opinion.

Turns out, I'm actually getting a reputation as the 'voice of reason' of the Brigade. I got an award from the film club for narrating _'The Adventures of Mikuru Asahina', _It turned out to be a surprise hit. Tanaguchi even has "Someone standing off camera is going to step into frame and kick your ass dammit!"as his ringtone. Like Asakura before she went into stab mode, they all want me to exert my 'influence; on Haruhi. I'm unique.

Yay.

I have another year left with the Brigade. I've got to make Haruhi calm down before she graduates...or the Organisation or the Data Entity will do something to make sure I stay holding the leash...forever. I don't hate her, but forgive me for preferring some illusion of autonomy in my existence.

On the plus side:

**Did you just flip off/make out with/punch out/have tea with/scam Cthulhu?**

Why, yes. Yes, I believe I did. Now I just need to find some reason for her to have tea with Mom.

* * *

><p><em><strong>First person narration isn't my favourite thing to do, hope this is okay. I can't read Japanese, so the source I'm drawing on is just the anime, sorry folks. Please review. Compliments are by no means compulsory.<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

_I actually didn't intend to continue this, but then I noticed that I'd forgotten to mark it as 'Complete'. I know, this is a completely different style from the previous chapter. I don't feel there's anything inherently contradictory about being irritated by being constantly pushed into doing something, even if the thing itself isn't that unpalatable. Though I may not have expressed that well._

**Loose End**

So...here we are. The last day of term on my third and final year in North High. It's been a long hard road, and to tell the truth, I sort of feel like Orpheus. Walking through Tartarus, entertaining Eurydice, knowing the consequences if I actually stop to look closely at her. Or maybe Diogenes, searching for sanity in an insane world.

The last day. SOS Brigade Clubroom. In another couple of minutes, Ms. Asahina will hang up that delectable maid outfit forever. Maybe someone else'll take up her mantle. I know Haruhi's been recruiting from the first years. But it'll never be the same.

Nagato is reading. A manga, unusual for her. 'Angel Beats'. Seems to be blinking a lot. Noting me observing, she looks up and opens her mouth, but does not speak.

Koizumi's pawn is marching down the e-file, king a step behind, and it doesn't look like I'll last much longer. Don't know why we decided to play chess today. There hasn't been much talking.

No craziness. Just another day in the clubroom. Except...it isn't. This is the last day of the SOS Brigade as I know it. It's been crazy, but as much as I hate to admit it, I'm going to miss all of this.

Haruhi stands. "I'm going home." Deep breath. "Last one out...lock the door." Doesn't seem like much of an acknowledgement of the last three years. Then again, she does seem down. Koizumi's still here, though, so she can't be really depressed.

The door closes. Goodbye, Haruhi. Steps, receding down the corridor. As soon as she leaves, Ms. Asahina bursts into tears and buries her face in my shoulder. Not the worst way to end the day, I have to admit.

"I don't want classified−" the crying intensifies, as she repeatedly attempts to speak, each time being cut off by the reflexive response. Why is the end of term classified information? I already know about it.

Koizumi advances his pawn. I move my king in line accordingly.

No closed space today, then?

"More than we've seen in some time, but it is manageable without my intervention. My organisation would like to commend you, Kyon, you've made truly remarkable progress in stabilising Ms. Suzumiya's character. She's much less of a danger now than she once was."

All of us played a part in that. Are you still assigned to follow her after she graduates?

"I'm being retired. I admit, being so close to Ms. Suzumiya for so long has been difficult for my nerves."

How do you think I feel?

"Quite relieved that you got this far, I imagine."

Something's wrong. His smile seems different suddenly. I don't feel like working it out, though. Not today.

Nagato, what about you?

"With the end of this school term, I have fulfilled my function. It seems likely that I will be replaced in my role as observer of Suzumiya Haruhi. Given your actions at the end of first year, the entity has decided that I will not immediately be deleted, unless−" Nagato shivered slightly, and stopped speaking.

Unless...? what, what's going on? What's about to happen?

"The entity has...taken steps... to restrict my actions and speech today. I am not...in a position to..." Her right hand is tightly gripping her chair.

Ms. Asahina, what can you tell me? What's going to happen to you after today?

Between sobs: "I'll be recalled to classified information, but that's not what you classified info-"

Okay, what are you all afraid of? Haruhi's stable, none of you are in danger, so what's...

Wait.

What's going to happen to _me_ after today?

Koizumi's smile slips, Ms. Asahina's sobs redouble, and a cracking noise is heard from Nagato's chair. So that's it.

I'm scheduled to fall down the stairs this evening, and this time I'm not waking up.

Koizumi sighs. "For the first time in six years, the Entity, Ms. Asahina's superiors, and mine are in total agreement. You've stabilised Ms. Suzumiya, but you have a level of control over her that can't be replicated by any other being. They feel they can't take the risk that you could choose to destabilise her. I've actually argued in your favour, but they feel they can't leave someone with 'the keys to the control panel' loose."

And you're telling me this now...

"This room is protected. We have more freedom here than anywhere else. But once you leave..."

Oh great. I can't wait to explain to the school authorities why I'm camping in the clubroom. I can't escape the thought entity, the organisation, or even the time travellers if they really want to find me. And none of the brigade members can stand up to their whole organisation. My only weapon is Haruhi, and she's just left the building.

...Last time I do shadowy organisations a favour. Strange...wasn't Haruhi upset last time something happened to me? Isn't this risky for you?

"Our psychological assessors expect a notable increase in closed space formation over the next couple of months, but nothing that we feel we can't handle. You've really been an excellent caretaker. She'll recover."

You know, hearing that really shouldn't hurt this much.

I reach for my phone, but it's being denied service. Of course, they wouldn't be that careless. Not for something like this.

After a pause, Itsuki Koizumi slides his across the table.

"I'm putting a lot of trust in you. Please don't do anything foolish."

**Calling...Suzumiya Haruhi. **Koizumi, your trust may be misplaced. Appreciated, though.

"Hello? Koizumi, why are you−"

Haruhi, get back here right now.

"Kyon? Why are you using Koizumi's ph− How dare you give orders to your brigade lead−"

NOW, Suzumiya. Got something I've been meaning to say to you for a while.

Silence. Then: "Where are you?"

The clubroom.

"I'm coming right back, and you had better be there! I can't just let you talk to me like that."

Great. Haruhi is coming back, I'm in slightly more mortal peril than usual, and I have no idea what I'm going to say when she gets here. I don't think they'll dare to directly stand in her way, which means I have maybe fifteen minutes to consider my actions.

For want of any better options, I retreat my king. E pawn advances. Two moves later, stalemate.


	3. Chapter 3

**Option A**

"_Haruhi..._

_I've been waiting a long time to say this..._

_On Tanabata, six years ago, you wrote a message 'I am here' on the sports field. You didn't do it alone. You had help from someone walking past with a girl on his back in A North High uniform, who called himself 'John Smith'._

_Please don't interrupt, this is important. _

_I am John Smith. I travelled back in time on Tanabata three years ago to Tanabata six years ago...yeah, it's that kind of story. Time Travellers, Espers, and Interfaces exist, and they're in this brigade... I told you all this a long time ago, in that cafe beside the train station, do you remember? Why?_

_You can twist reality to suit your purpose...maybe. You made cherry blossoms bloom out of season for that movie, pigeons turn white, Ryoko Asakura try to kill me, and that's why she disappeared. _

_Me? I'm the mediator, I have to stand between you and the rest of the brigade...I'm powerless, except for my leverage, which I've never used until today. _

_I've outlasted my usefulness, Haruhi, and now they're going to kill me. I need your help. _

_I need Espers, Time Travellers and Interfaces not to exist. And I need you to help me achieve it. Because otherwise, I'm going to die, and I think I've earned a few favours over the years._

_So, what do you think?"_

A possibility. Last resort, maybe. Haruhi is too intelligent for me to control if she realises I have a reason to... and it's probably not a good idea to tell someone who became power drunk directing an amateur movie that she's one of the most powerful beings in the universe.

Okay, that's a little unfair, she's come on a long way since then, but...she'll find out that all her best friends stayed by her side because she was dangerous and needed to be controlled, not because of preference. She'll be hurt if she finds that out, probably never be able to trust anyone again...I don't want to do that to her...

Better think about other options just in case...


	4. Chapter 4

**Option B**

"_Haruhi..._

_I've been waiting a long time to say this...I'd better take this chance before we have to say goodbye._

_I'm glad you made this brigade. I've had a lot of fun since I met you. All the things we've done...so crazy at times, but just so much fun._

_And now it's all over, and It's time to say something I've been holding back for a long time._

_I love this brigade._

_I... I just wish you weren't in it._

_Do you have any idea of the kind of things we've gone through because of you? Two, three times at least, I almost died for you, but what I mostly remember about you is cruelty, intentional or not. You would not believe what the other girls have gone through. Everything we've done has been for you. It's been fun, there's been moments where I wonder if you are worth it. You do entertaining things...but you cause suffering to everyone around you as a consequence. _

_Goodbye, Haruhi. I hope we don't meet again._

Hmm...again, too unpredictable. It'll probably hurt her just enough to keep the Espers busy, but that doesn't save me. And there's always the possibility of...

_Haruhi stares at me, for once frozen by mute shock. I wait for her to speak._

"_I hope you die!"_

_I'm sitting in her chair, and feel it pitch beneath me. My back hits the plate window behind me, and keeps going._

That's unlikely, but it's not impossible. I'd better try something else.


	5. Chapter 5

**Option C**

"_Haruhi..._

_I've been waiting a long time to say this..._

_On Tanabata, six years ago, you wrote a message 'I am here' on the sports field of your school. You didn't do it alone. You had help from someone walking past with a girl on his back in A North High uniform, who called himself 'John Smith'._

_Please don't interrupt, this is important. _

_I am John Smith. I travelled back in time on Tanabata three years ago to Tanabata six years ago...yeah, it's that kind of story. Time Travellers, Espers, and Interfaces exist, and they're in this brigade... I told you all this a long time ago, in that cafe beside the train station, do you remember? You didn't believe me, which would've made all this a lot easier. Anyway...assume for now I'm not crazy, please._

_Why didn't you ever know about this? Why was everyone following you? _

_Oh please._

_This was never about you, Haruhi. _

_This is my story. It always has been._

_Nagato, Ms. Asahina, and Koizumi are keeping an eye on __me, __because I have the power to change reality as I see fit. _

_You... You were a distraction, something to keep me amused so I wouldn't use my power destructively. And it's worked, these past three years. I thought you should know, since this could be the last time we see each other._

Potential pro: Unlimited power to bestowed on me. Could be fun.

Potential con: Unlimited power bestowed on me. Everything I do may alter the fate of the universe.

Potential pro: The world no longer subject to Haruhi Suzumiya's whims, which will be much more relaxing.

Or...is that a paradox? Will I depress her further, or make her angry? Will one of the others call out my lie...which may or may not actually be a lie if Haruhi believes it. And then, if it doesn't work, she might have reason to hate me. Damn it, Haruhi, you're too unpredictable for me to save myself with. This time, one misstep, and I'm dead.

Potential con: She may not believe me, and then I'm easy prey.

I can hear her in the hallway. I'm running out of time. I've one last option, that I've been trying not to think about, but now I've no choice. It's not just the fate of the world this time, it's my own as well. Time for something drastic.


	6. Chapter 6

**Last Resort**

The clubroom door smashes back into the wall. After the abuse it's taken all these years, it splits on impact. The rest of the members look at it for a moment, which gives me enough time to gather my thoughts.

"So what did you want?"

Ah, the choking death grip on my tie. So many memories.

Well...Haruhi. We're graduating soon, and I think it'd be a shame to let the brigade... fade away. I think ...it might be worth ...discussing the future.

"What...are you talking about?"

I'd like to ...spend more time with you. Even though we'll probably end up in different colleges.

Silence. I can hear my heart beat. Five times. Ten.

"O...kay. Tomorrow, cafe next to the train station, three. We'll talk then."

I'll be there.

And Haruhi Suzumiya leaves. At a run. I've never known her to be shy.

I turn to see Koizumi smile. "You should have felt her heart leap. And if you don't turn up for that meeting... Well played. I never thought you'd be able to just admit your feelings like that."

I look at him.

Feelings? What feelings?

He jerks. "What?"

I know how this is supposed to go. Guy, girl, they argue a lot... and, inevitably end up hopelessly in love. But... just for a second, what if that _doesn't_ happen? What if I'm/we're not in love? What then?

The others turn to look at me.

If we're not in love...nothing changes. Nothing at all.

My feelings, such as they are, don't matter! They never have. I have to stay close to Haruhi, or one of your organisations kills me. It's that simple.

Once upon a time, I had a choice, and I picked this place. I made the right decision, and I don't regret it, but I have to keep to it. Haruhi is too smart to trick easily, and I don't dislike spending time with her. It's not as though this is a sentence. I'll have to do my best to be good to her.

I reach for my pocket, and the notebook page of 'did you just X Cthullu' with one box left to tick. What a pointless pursuit. All this time, I've been treating her like some fun game that occasionally gets dangerous. But it's more than that. I step up and throw the page out the window. When I turn back, Koizumi has taken a garrotte out of his sleeve and placed it on the table. He looks up at me. I throw it out the window too, not that that'll make a difference if they really decide I'm a liability.

"I hope you know what you're doing... I'm trusting you to treat Ms. Suzumiya responsibly."

Have I ever let you down before?

He starts to speak, then changes his mind.

I leave the clubroom and head for the stairs. If I live to see the bottom, I can look forward to a life of forced contact with Suzumiya Haruhi. Well, these last three years have been fun.

Caretaker of the Universe for Life, huh?

I can live with that.


End file.
